We had our first

March 17th, 2010.
Thunderstorm.
Rain.
Big Puffy Clouds with sunshine.
Iced Cappuccino.
Geese in the park.
Feeling of the you know what. That big S word.
Spring.

March 18th
Nevermind. It snowed.

Find a Way to Fall

Seven o'clock.
Broke down like a train.
Six fifty two.
Can't clear my head.
Sometimes I fall.
And although they say get up, I would rather stay down.
Than get back up, just to fall again.
My heart and soul are tired.
My eyes yet not dry.
I can't seem to be enough for these times.
Flickering in the wind.
I am not even visible.
Whispering I am not good enough,
you linger in my head.
Heart beating slower.
Eyes grow dim.
This is my life.
I am giving in.

I can't do this anymore.

A moment of wondering if it was worth it. If the affection I gave you was worth it. The hurt I caused, coming back and wounding me far worse. I'm back to 2005. Right back. I regret. I regret being closer. To home, to you, to here. If I could, I would erase myself from the picture your mind creates. Because when you see me, what do you see anymore. Do you see who I used to be, or who I am struggling to become. Do you see that this is not easy for me. Do you see that I am trying. Trying to be disaffected, but I am far more affected than I ever could be. I don't want to go back 5 years. I don't want to look through misty eyes all day long, biting my cheek to make the pain in my mouth more evident than the one in my heart. I can feel your thoughts being flung at me and despite how I try to reject your disgust, my soul is punctured. Over. And over.

Try not to think.
Try not to feel.
Try not to say.
Try not to.
Try not.
Try.